she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
