You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
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