Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
