these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
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