Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize