Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
