Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Maybe he injected his testicle?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
