Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
