I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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