i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
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He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
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I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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