I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
