I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Randomize
