It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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