My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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