Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Randomize
