I think im going to throw up on grandma
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
