Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
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