Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
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