my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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