I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
