I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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