Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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