Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize
