What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize
