God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
