I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
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