Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
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you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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