another moral hangover. fuck.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Randomize
