Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
