you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Randomize
