Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
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I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
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Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
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