I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
