May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off