went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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