a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
