She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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