she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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