No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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