I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
