i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
