I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Randomize
