Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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