I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
it was like eating out sand paper
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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