well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
