I just threw up on my dentist
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
