So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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