Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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