i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
