So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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