A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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