I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Also, beer. Big fan.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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