I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
