how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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