I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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