if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
It was like getting head from an anaconda
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
do nipples grow back?
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
