I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
